| i found this, so that's why i'm posting it.
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"Like an anorexia life..."
"I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything. Do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try and hear what I'm not saying."
You wake up, go to the mirror. You hate what you see. You are in a war you will not win. FAT, UGLY, FAILURE: words that echo in your head. You grab your water and walk out the door. Your stomach growls because you've missed breakfast, *again*. Safe and alone, you pull out your pills and swallow a handful, one by one. More water. Avoid any and all mirrors. Envy those whose bones protrude effortlessly. You feel the stares around you, paranoia: they are obviously talking about you. Constantly moving, you burn more calories you've not consumed. More pills, more water. Avoid meals: hundreds of excuses. Freezing: always so cold. More water, more pills. Now run. Run hard, you can barely breathe. Your legs could collapse underneath you, your chest in agonizing pain. You keep going. Push harder, you cannot quit.
Hours later, you finally give in. More water, more pills. Step on the scale and hate what you see. It will never be enough. Undress and glare at your reflection. Searching for bones that are covered, deep below the fat that is not there.
All alone, late into the night: crunches and calisthenics. You cannot sleep....you exercise before finally crawling into bed, exhausted and in tears. Weeping until you fall asleep, only to wake up soon after, only to begin it all again.
You are alone. Your only focus to attain perfection. You've shut your family out. You've pushed your friends away. You are in control and "Ana" is your only friend. "She" is the only one who wants you to win. You've personified a disease, but only "she" understands.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong and asking is against the rules.Crying is against the rules, too. You're strong, dont let them break you. They are trying to destroy you."
You repeat this cycle every day, consuming more water, more pills. You search for bones and veins. You become manic...and numb.
You forgot how to feel. So you take a razor, a knife, anything that will hurt you. You want to bleed, you want to bruise. You force your body to feel.
You are all alone now; your friends dont understand you, and you've shut out the ones who've tried to care. You focus on perfection. You just want to be happy, but you are miserable. Depressed.
"I know what’s it like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing that’s on the inside."
Each day you wake up, you want to die. You go through the motions each day: water, pills, pain, hurt. Now, you are just waiting. Waiting for the day you wont wake up. It can’t come fast enough.
"How can you understand me, when I don’t understand myself?"
Your family is worried. Your friends are scared. And the one who used to mean the most to you is petrified. No one knows how to help you. You don’t need help. You "are fine." So they leave you: deny what they see and believe what you say. No one understands.
"If you don't understand my words, you will never understand my silence."
You pop pills every day and exercise and never sleep. You are constantly moving and self-hating. You hurt yourself physically because you are numb inside. You only cry on the inside and your self-destructive behavior has intensified.
"My God! People say. You have so much self-control! And later, my God! You're so so sick. When people say this, they turn there heads. You've won your little game. You've proven your thesis those no-body-loves-me-everyone-hates-me-guess-ill-just-eat-worms. You get to sink back into your hospital bed, shrieking with righteous indignation. See? You get to say. I knew you'd give up on me. I knew you'd leave."
Then, one day, you are manic and petrified. You feel so alone, but then suddenly, there is a hand holding yours. You give in to yourself and collapse. You break down and hope this person will catch you. You let them embrace you; holding your frail body so tightly so you'll believe its real. When you're sure they'll stay, through all your pent up tears, you tell them everything. In your own way, you are finally asking for help.
"I feel sometimes that no one has ever held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them or got to the inside of me. It's like I say, "oh, im fine" and walk away. Nobody's ever said "no, you're not...."
And now you have a choice. You can get better. Or you can get dead. You can ask them to stay with you and help you. Or you can deny it all, like you've always done, and continue to kill yourself, slowly, and painfully.
"People want to believe your okay, so it's easy to pretend your okay."
Ask for help. When you’re falling, reach out. Tell them your hurting. Tell them you cant do it alone....I can't. I can’t do it alone. Alone and I will fall. Alone and I will fail.
"We turn skeletons into goddess and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need." |
Occupation: Student
Expertise: 
